Wanted. Have you ever placed a wanted ad?
From time to time I have. For help around the house, a particular item and, not ashamed to say, on dating sites.
Yes, many years ago after my longest-term relationship ended and with the prompting of close friends and my daughter, I placed such an ad. Well, in the truest sense, it was a profile. My friend gave me the name of a couple of sites with his rating of each. Checked them out and found a few of my best pictures and created a profile.
How that turned out is not material for this blog. LOL.
Wanted: A Man To Pay The Bills
The idea for this post came from one originally done on a personal blog of mine. At the time, I asked three of the contributors to the blog to write a short piece. Following is the back story.
There are mornings when there is no post idea and no articles from the Contributors. Then, as my fingers hit the keyboard, sentences begin to flow. Today’s conversation about “Wanted: Man To Pay The Bills,” is different as this was a planned post.
Daughters of Sheba is known for being a group where we have real talk. We talk about money, relationships and even sex. Being a very open person and a woman who has straightforward conversations, I am not shy to ask anyone anything.
Growing up with a woman who felt that men had certain responsibilities in a relationship, it was no surprise that a conversation about whether in this day and age, women want a man to pay the bills. You might be surprised to know that many say, “Yes!”
Looking For A Man
Fellow Director at Daughters of Sheba Foundation, Clara Brown, was one of the Contributors on that earlier post. I am no longer in touch with the other two ladies, one lives in the Middle East and the other somewhere in the United States. Respecting their privacy and possible copyright issues, here are quotes from their responses.
He is nice, generous and sweet with me. Perhaps, he would not be if he had a great job. Just because he cannot afford to pay all the bills every month, he ought to be real nice and sweet. Maybe that is compensation for a shallow wallet? A bribe for financial weakness, a way to please me with attention and care because he cannot buy all the things that drives some women towards a man. A confusing and puzzling scenario. Is it not?” – Neelma Tashfeen
She concluded that a man who does all these things and more might be a suitable partner.
The reason is simple. He will land a great job one day since he works hard enough for us to stay afloat. But if he did not love me now, he would never love me ever. Finances improve over time, love usually does not. For me, a not so well off guy who loves me and makes me feel special is far better than a rich one who can pay my bills while treating me like JUST ANOTHER WOMAN.
Looking For A Man To Love Me
The second Contributor shared a story about an intervention her parents did. She was dating a fellow who they thought was using her as she was the one basically paying all the bills.
Truthfully, my relationship with this guy would not have gotten very far if I had expected him to foot all the bills. When we started dating, he was a college student paying his own way. He had student loans. He struggled to make rent sometimes and occasionally had to take out payday loans to be able to afford all of his bills.
She was (and I hope continues to be) a very kind and thoughtful woman. The name of this particular Contributor will be withheld. Let us just call her Kay. It was her firm belief that her parents’, particularly her mother’s, idea that a man should be paying the bills was outdated. Kay was not at all bothered by being the one paying the bills. Her wanted ad was not for a man with money but one who loves her.
However, is love enough? Clara Brown offered her take.
Oh, For The Love Of Money
I come from a family where certain values and attitudes are very important. The elders were big advocates for independence and a strong sense of ‘self’. They made real the words, ”I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
Against that background, imagine my horror when one of my nieces announced that she is marrying a particular man. All kinds of questions flooded my mind. I could not help but immediately think that she was taking this ‘plunge’ for the money. She tried to justify her hurried decision to marry this man. She said that she has a lot of goals that she wants to meet before turning 30. As well, her former boyfriend, my preferred choice of a husband, could no longer help her attain them.
As the discussion progressed, I became more horrified and listened in amazement.
I drew for, without success, all the moral and philosophical advice to give her. The decision to marry should not be so strongly influenced by materialistic considerations. However, her mind was already made up. As if to make sure I got it, she blatantly displayed the diamond ring the man “had put on it.”
Always an independent woman – that’s me. Charting my course is what I do. I am always very proud of the strides made in my personal and professional lives. Being genuine and authentic in my relationships is top of mind. Money or the lack of it has never influenced my decision to love and live with a man. Through my experience with my niece, it became clear to me that a lot has changed not only in the world but within our family and the way we approach life, love and relationships.
Wanted: To Be ME
What is my take?
Being a child of the 1970s, I grew up with strong imagery of women, especially black women. However, there were also women in my experience who totally depended on finding a man or being with a particular man (or men) simply to pay the bills.
Like Clara, I am an extremely independent woman. No one pays anything for me. Why? Well, they will eventually want to be paid back.
Having said that, I understand that some women (and even men) need a helpmate. The challenge though is not to be with someone simply or primarily for their money, their healthy body or heaven forbid – for sex.
Those roads are ones that many of us have travelled. I most certainly – back and forth. Sadly, it never usually ends well. Invariably you meet up on the roadblocks. Bump into enough of them, arrive at one too many dead-ends, you will finally have to make a choice. Is this how my life will end – depending on a man for my bread and butter?
Domestic violence is another topic that we will one day discuss. For now, let me say that while there is no excuse for a man, or a woman for that matter, hitting a partner, often times the problem in the relationship stems from money issues.
Here is a suggestion – it is from my own life.
Live Within Your Means. Simple. Stop Chasing The Bling Life If You Cannot Independently Afford It.
Share your story with us about your search for love and a man. Are you single and looking for a man to pay the bills or to fully experience life with? Is there anything truly wrong with a woman who chooses a man who can advance her goals? Leave your comments below and visit our social media profiles.
Peace and Love from Clara Brown and I,