Stability, Spouse Or Sex? Which “S” Comes First For You?

Stability, is that your priority? Or, is it having a spouse or just good sex?

It Depends

When this post was first published in 2005, I was on a treadmill for a couple of years. No, not the one that customarily comes to mind, especially to you exercise buffs. Anyone who saw me then and even now, know that exercise has the least priority on my list – sad as that may be.

For some reason though, my weight has remained constant – none-too small in the middle and all right everywhere else. Go figure! Dated someone many years ago who warned me that I was in danger of losing him if the middle-life spread got the better of me. Ironic, as the relationship ended long before I got to mid-life!

Stability 20 years Later

Fifteen years have passed since this post was first written. It was updated sometime in 2017 and now today. I share it again as we are experiencing a major upheaval in our lives – COVID-19 pandemic.

Only yesterday news broke that a Jamaican politician that I once worked with died from COVID-19. Almost three months ago, my husband was murdered.  Life has been nothing like ‘normal’ since March 2020.

Updating and sharing this post yet again serves as a reminder to check whether we are searching for the “S’s” that will give our lives meaning. As a student of life, theology and world religions and spirituality, I often turn to various texts for inspiration. Here are a few to set the tone for this conversation on stability, spouse and sex:

Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, which you have from God, and that you are not your own? 1 Corinthian 6:19

The body is the sheath of the soul. Talmud, Sanhedrin 108a (Jainism)

God is with me. He is my Source of life, the life within, the air I breathe, the food by which I am sustained, the water which renews and cleanse me. A Course In Miracles: W.pII. 222.1-2

The Search For Stability, A Spouse, Sex

Every human being searches to find what I call “The Three S’s. For many, the search takes a lifetime. With any ‘luck’ one or two of the S’s are found. For many, sadly, never all. There are some who, believing that they have all three, become relaxed and complacent and end up losing all of their S’s.

Stability, Spouse and Sex (good Sex). For each person, the form, shape, size or frequency of these S’s are relative to their perception of good. However, there are certain things common to most.

For example, stability is usually based on having a ‘fat’ bank account and a sizeable income. Having a spouse, for most, is based on a concept of partnership that is equal to personal happiness. Sex is in a league of its own though. Often “no money, means no sex.” No money can also mean no security and for many, it means no spouse (at least not the penniless one).

Sometimes you believe you have a spouse, the sex is relatively good but the creditors are at your windows, peeping and waiting to interrupt the afterglow. How then can you find stability? Should you be looking to some other letter in the alphabet for better clues?

Stick With “S”

I propose that we stick with the letter “S”, but let us choose instead of some other words, let us re-phrase our search. Let us change:

  • Security with Source
  • Spouse with Spirit
  • Sex with Soul

Can you see the co-relation? Do you see where I am going with this?

Reaching For The Real

To have real Security, we need to recognize the Source of all things – money, house, car, etc.

Having or being a loving Spouse, we need to recognize and honour the Spirit within each person but in ourselves first.

To have a life-enhancing, intimate and loving relationship, crudely put, to have really great Sex, we must be willing to first recognize and embrace the Soul – our own and that of our lover.

Struggling, worrying and fighting will not give real security. Changing ‘spouse’ monthly and constantly looking outside will not set up a long-term or life-supporting relationship. Sex, good sex for that matter, does not live in skill or frequency but rather in understanding yourself to the core and in being willing and open to receiving your partner for all who they are.

The Only “S” You Need

What I am suggesting is that we need to find only one S – your Source, your Spirit of Love, your Sacred – whatever word you wish to use, however, you choose to name it.

Our search will take on a new and deeper dimension. When we consciously recognize that stability, spouse and (good) sex will be long-lasting only when we truly enter a relationship with the Father/Mother of all S’s. Then and only then will we begin to appreciate and experience joy, peace and prosperity.

This is especially true at this time of COVID-19, loved ones dying and our lives being turned upside down.

It is with the weight of your Source, on the arms of what is Sacred to you – that whatever challenges face you, whether that is financial, in your relationship, friendships or in your career – you will be prepared to not only handle them but grow through them.

On a personal level, rough and tough as it is trying to put together a ‘new’ life as a widow, this 15-year-old post is helping me – yet again.

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Have a great weekend until Monday when we will have a new post.

Peace and Love,



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