Single again. Well, it is way more accurate to say widowed but the effect is the same. Living on my own and besides the grief and ensuing confusion over my husband’s tragic death, living alone is perfect for me. Has always been and now that he is gone, will always be.
Single And Not Mingling
Four years ago, I declared that marriage was not on my agenda.
At that time, the backdrop was recalling the depth of my suffering when my longest long-term relationship ended abruptly. That was a rough time for me and I wanted my life to end. “When it was not doing so of its own volition, I took matters into my own hands. Twice.”
Now, fourteen years later, I am widowed and 55 years old. Despite being challenged by my husband’s murder, my love of life is very strong. In 2016 my declaration of lifetime singledom was a misreading. After being single (not in a formal relationship) for close to ten years, there were friends who strongly encouraged me to get into a relationship. However, I never really had the courage so I kept to myself.
Single And Have Always Loved It
One could say that mine is a love affair with singledom. It is not just something that sounds nice to say. It is a truth for me.
My late husband and I dated for two years. We had a long-distance relationship with visits by me to Jamaica to be with him. Frankly, that suited me perfectly, however, it was not for him so he kept proposing. He wore me down, to be honest. Considering everything – my feelings, travel cost and, most important, ageing and sensing a need for a day-to-day companion – I said, “Yes.”
Being true to myself is very important to me as a blogger. Therefore, in my estimation, that allows me to be honest with you. You can rely on us here at Daughters of Sheba Foundation for frank and honest conversations.
Be Careful Of The Pursuit
Discussed writing this post with a couple of the Directors at the Foundation and while they applauded they were cautious. Why?
Well, they know the number of messages we get from suitors. Actually, we had to respond to them in strong terms asking them to stop. These messages were from men all over the world but mainly from Jamaican men as that country is our primary target for support. They were mainly from men younger than us. Without a doubt, their intentions were clear – money, visa and wanting a cougar (an older woman who maintains them).
You Have To Love Life Single First
What follows is my honest opinion about the single life. Some of them you will not agree with, some you might find as “too much information,” and others you will see yourself completely in as if a mirror was being held up to your face.
- The “C” word is one that I abhor, will no longer accept hearing and most certainly will not suggest it about anyone. Saw a clip of an interview years ago with the late Eartha Kitt. In her enigmatically wise way she described my feelings about the “C” word. “Why should you compromise who you are because you are in a relationship?” she basically asked. Funny enough, it is the woman who is usually expected to put herself on hold. She is to put aside, lay away aspects of who she is. The same person to whom the man was attracted to in the first place and then decided to live with must be set aside for the sake of the relationship. From my 20s to my 40s, I compromised so many parts of me. This included my career ambitions (I wanted to be a politician), in order to be in a relationship, keep and help my mate. When I turned 50, the only “C” word crossing my lips is “Complementary.” If we are not complementing each other’s intrinsic person-hood, then no thank you, I am not interested.
- Late night or early morning unexpected dunking is not something that I find enjoyable. My experience living with a man has been that you have to either learn to love or always be ready to avoid this. What I am talking about is falling into the toilet during the mid-sleep walk to ease yourself. As a single woman, this is not something that you have to contend with as the toilet seat is always down – except when cleaning.
There is more
- Bad sex. Now 55, I am certain what is good sex from okay sex different from outright bad sex. Say whatever you like, pretend as much as you want, but sex is a very important part of relationships. It is not the most important but it is high up there. If it is only tolerable at best, then I would rather be single. Enough said.
- Showering is optional when single. Clara Brown shuddered when I mentioned this one. Before you start pinching your noses, I shower and do so very often. However, it can be an optional activity. There are days when life is as such that all you want to do is stay in your pyjamas all day into evening. You fall asleep on the couch with the television watching you – without explaining or apologizing.
There Are More Reasons, Including COVID
The COVID-19 pandemic is another reason and another cause for many staying single. This pandemic has touched our lives in many ways and if you are currently single, it is something to consider before taking actions to change your status.
These are just five of the many reasons why you might decide not to rush to change your status. Other “important” factors that I could have included are:
- Being able to account for and manage my money (financial benefits)
- Dressing for myself and according to personal taste and not to impress a suitor or to fit into a spouse’s mould
- Practising, worshipping and maintaining my spiritual life according to my personal ideals without concern for or restrictions to accommodate differences between a mate’s ways.
Until That Day…
This last one is very important to me as my longest long-term relationship took a nosedive when my spiritual life began in earnest and my partner’s stood still.
If and when that day comes, my hope is that your decision will be to let your heart loudly sing its songs. Some of you might be married or living with someone and have them “trained” to put down the toilet seat. Then this post is not for you. For everyone else remember that is not a reason to compromise or settle, trade-in or fear being single.
Peace and Love,