Forgiveness – Breaking the Cycle of Resentment

Posted on October 4, 2022 by Guest Contribution

 

“Forgiveness – Breaking the Cycle of Resentment” by: Lori Radun, CEC

Over 20 years ago, my mother disowned me for a period of 10 years of my life. It wasn’t something I could ever imagine doing to one of my children, but it happened. It was one of the most painful times of my life. I was angry at her. I got married and gave birth to my first child and she wasn’t there. I missed her and longed for a mother-daughter relationship. I cried a lot. Today my mother and I have a beautiful relationship and I am so grateful for our reconciliation. As a matter of fact, her birthday card to me this year said, “You are the best daughter”. Did this relationship we have today happen overnight? The answer is no. At the core of our relationship, today is forgiveness.

What is Forgiveness?

“Forgiveness is something virtually all Americans aspire to – 94% surveyed in a nationwide Gallup poll said it was important to forgive-in the same survey; only 48% said they usually tried to forgive others.”

I don’t think a single person can escape life without experiencing hurt by another person. Maybe the hurt is angry words spoken during an argument or a friend who surprises you with betrayal. Perhaps the pain comes from emotional neglect, infidelity, divorce or even sexual and physical abuse. Sometimes the hurt is a one-time event. Other times the pain continues for a long time.

Forgiveness is a necessary step to healing from pain. It is a choice to extend mercy to the person who hurt you. Sometimes forgiveness allows you to move forward with the other person and experience a new relationship. Other times, reconciliation is not possible. In this case, forgiveness is more for you and your own personal growth.

Why Forgive?

forgivenessFirst and foremost, God commands us to forgive. Mark 11:25-26, says “And when you stand in praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your sins.”

You might be saying, “But you don’t understand what’s been done to me.” And you’re right; I don’t know all the hurts you’ve endured. However, I know from experience that it pays to forgive. Forgiveness is a sign of strength – not weakness. It is strong who can put aside the past and let go of anger and resentment. My mom comes from a large family, with seven brothers and sisters. There has been a lot of sibling rivalry, and I’m always amazed at the amount of resentment that still remains in the family today.

Anger and resentment drain your energy, and keep you imprisoned by your past. By choosing to let go of your hurt and anger, you give yourself the freedom to fully experience joy in life. Anger builds inside us, so by letting go, you improve your ability to control your anger. We’ve all seen the person who blows up at the smallest incident. It is the accumulation of built-up anger that is unreleased that causes this explosion. So many diseases, like heart disease and cancer, can be triggered by unresolved resentment. By choosing to forgive, you can dramatically improve your emotional and physical health.

Without forgiveness, you cannot move forward in your own personal and relational growth.

What Forgiveness is Not?

Forgiveness does not mean you allow people to treat you badly. It does not mean you ignore the wrongdoings. It means you accept that the person has made a mistake, and you are choosing to grant them mercy. When you forgive someone, you won’t necessarily forget the hurt. I will always remember the pain I felt when my mom disowned me, but I do not dwell on it, and I do not let it interfere with the quality of our relationship today. I have allowed myself to heal and move on. Forgiveness does not mean you are condoning or excusing the person’s behaviour. And it doesn’t mean you have to trust that person again. Some acts, like physical and sexual abuse, require that you limit your trust or at least test the trust with the person who hurt you. Remember, forgiveness is more for you than for the other person.

The process of forgiving

So you’ve thought about it and you’re ready to forgive. You’re tired of holding on to old pain and you’ve decided it’s time to let go and move on. What do you do? First, you must face and release the anger that you feel. On the surface of the hurt is anger and you need to break away from that layer first. Underneath the anger is the pain and hurt that you must grieve. There are many ways to release anger and hurt. You can talk about it with trusted people. You can spend time journaling. You can pray about it and ask God to take away that pain and resentment. You can express your feelings to the person who hurt you, provided that it’s possible to have a healthy conversation where both you and the other person speak and listen in respectful ways.

One of the best and most cleansing ways to release your negative feelings is to write a letter to your perpetrator. In this letter, you pour out every emotion you feel. You tell them everything that hurt you and everything they did to make you angry. Do not hold anything back. Allow yourself to really feel the anger and cry the tears by reading it out loud to yourself. When you are done, burn or bury the letter as a symbol that you are ready to move on. DO NOT give the letter to the person. This letter is for you and you only.

Forgiveness requires compassion

forgivenessAfter processing all your emotions, you are ready to make the choice to forgive. It is a choice that requires compassion, understanding and an open and loving heart. When my mother and I first reconciled, we talked about our feelings. Sometimes we even fought because the pain was still fresh. But we listened to one another and we tried to get inside each other’s shoes. It wasn’t easy, but today, even though I don’t agree with some of my mother’s beliefs, I have compassion and understanding for who she is and why she made the choice she did. I love her regardless of our differences.

Each of us makes mistakes in life. At one time or another (probably more than one time), we will hurt another person. Maybe it will be an accident, or perhaps it will be a purposeful reaction to someone hurting you. When this does happen, do you want to be forgiven? Do you want another chance to make amends? Most people don’t mean to hurt us – they are dealing with their own pain and unresolved resentment. It’s unfortunate that we take it out on our loved ones, but until we break the cycle, it will continue to happen.

Are you ready to break the cycle and do your part to forgive?

Credits

Author Bio
Lori Radun, CEC is a certified life coach, speaker and author for moms. To receive her FREE newsletter and the special report, “155 Things Moms Can Do to Raise Great Children”, visit her website at www.true2youlifecoaching.com

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The Fallout From Mental Health Stigma

Posted on October 3, 2022 by Guest Contribution

 

“The Fallout From Mental Health Stigma” By: Sonia Devine

What is Stigma?
Stigma is the use of stereotypes and labels when describing someone, and it is often attached to people who suffer from mental health issues. We don’t fully understand how the brain works yet, but one thing we DO know is that it is an organ. Yet our society doesn’t readily accept brain disorders the way we accept other organ disorders. Why is this so?

Stigma is a harsh reality for people who have mental health problems because it prevents them from enjoying a normal and productive life. So many people today feel uncomfortable about mental health issues, despite the fact that there is growing evidence that more and more people are developing these problems. In fact, many people are so uncomfortable with the stigma that they would rather suffer in silence than get the help they need.

Misconceptions About Mental Health Problems

Here are a few of the most common misconceptions about mental health problems:

  • Mentally ill people have a weak character
  • Mentally ill people are potentially dangerous.
  • People with mental illness should just “snap out of it”
  • Mentally ill people are violent

The media has only further fuelled our distorted beliefs about mental health issues. Frequently, characters on television and in movies that have mental illnesses are depicted as dangerous, unpredictable and violent.

What Are the Effects of Stigma?

If you became ill you would go to a doctor. Once you got better, you would expect to get on with life as usual.stigma

But it’s not that easy for people who suffer from mental illness.

Often, they can suffer from persistent rejections and exclusions by ill-informed members of the community. Some people have been denied loans, health insurance and jobs because of their history of mental health issues. Consequently, these people lose their self-confidence and may develop further anxiety or depression, on top of the issues they are already facing.

I witnessed this first-hand many years ago when my brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia. The majority of his friends deserted him; they weren’t able to comprehend or cope with his altered personality and erratic behaviour. Within months he went from being a popular, vivacious and outgoing young man to a shattered, isolated loner. Over the following months, I watched my brother sink deeper into a debilitating depression, which ultimately became so unbearable that he took his own life.

What Can We Do?

All of us have times when we feel depressed, anxious or angry. We might even have a series of bad days, where we think that nothing will ever go right for us and the world is against us. For a mentally ill person, these feelings do not go away.

So the answer lies in education and understanding. If you know someone who seems very emotional, down or upset, then lead by example; show compassion and understanding, and encourage them to seek help. And if you’re suffering silently yourself, take comfort in the fact that you’re not alone and that there is hope.

Credits

Author Bio
Sonia Devine is a qualified professional hypnotherapist and success coach with a caring and committed approach to healing, who lives in Melbourne, Australia. You can find more of her information on mental health, self-image, love, relationships, phobias and much more on her website Manifest Your Success

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How to Find Hope When Hopelessness Attacks

Posted on September 28, 2022 by Guest Contribution

 

“How to Find Hope When Hopelessness Attacks” by Melissa Quiter

Often, life can seem very overwhelming. When you are constantly being faced with one challenging situation after another, it can begin to feel exhausting to continue trying. What is the point of constantly fighting back when the only reward is, yet, another challenge to take care of? Hopelessness sets in and the world look very bleak.

The feelings of hopelessness can be devastating. They can make you do things you wouldn’t normally do and think things you wouldn’t normally think. However, in those moments when the feelings attack you, normal no longer exists. There is only the fight to get through those intense feelings or the fatigue of just finally wanting to succumb to them.

I can so clearly appreciate these feelings. In fact, I know these feelings first-hand. I am a survivor of hopelessness. And I choose the word survivor intentionally.

Hopelessness Survivor

hopelessnessFirst, I believe that people who prevail in extreme situations are not victims. Victims don’t make it. A victim of a murder is dead. A survivor is someone who says, “I am not done. I am still here and the power is mine to reclaim.”

Second, I chose the word survivor because there were many times, when I really was just as happy, if not happier, with the thought of checking out of this world and calling it done. In my over-worked and over-achieving mind, it seemed to make sense that, if I wasn’t finding a purpose and had no happiness, what was the point in pushing through all this pain and struggle and fear?

The amazing thing is that I am still here. I discovered the answers that I so desperately needed, and now I want to share those answers with others who also know there is so much more than that what you may be experiencing.

Although I don’t know you personally, I do know this. Up to this point, you have pushed through too. Regardless of the strength and will, it has taken to do so, you have not given up. And, the even more amazing thing I know is that you are now taking an active role in creating a different future than you have experienced in the past. You are doing that by reading this article. The only way to create something different from what you have already experienced is to add new information, new tools and new resources to your life.

Tools For Change

What I discovered that changed my life, and will change yours too, is that without tools, humans would stop growing and evolving. There is no world, as you and I know it, without the tools we use to live on a daily basis. If you think about it then, it makes perfect sense that being the creator of an amazing, joyous, productive and fulfilling life also requires the proper tools. You cannot do this alone. You aren’t supposed to do it alone! And what is so exciting is that — even though you have been struggling and pushing and scraping by without all the tools — you are still here and still making it. Think of what is going to be possible when you do have the proper tools. You won’t believe how much more fun this thing called life can be!

The tools that I teach are the tools that I discovered, modified and combined to deal with my own dire need to find the missing joy and purpose I knew was possible. I knew there had to be a better way than constant struggle.

Set You Free

Tools are what set humans free. Through the use of tools, you can write, cook, create music, build homes, drive, fly and achieve feats never before thought possible. Tools are what allow humans to be more than they could otherwise be. Even research into our animal kingdom shows the use of tools is prevalent for daily survival.

It only makes sense that in order to create a life that you most desire, you must have knowledge and access to the tools of creating and manifesting. Through extensive research and trial and error on my own journey, the following combination of tools is what I found to be the key to living and creating the life you desire.

The Life You Desire

First, the foundation of creating is based on understanding the general principles of how the world works. The Universal Laws provide this foundation from a spiritual and scientific combined perspective. There are seven universal laws with one overriding law that governs every experience you have. The overriding law is based on Quantum Physics and says that everything is made of energy. Everything. From the chair you sit into the thought you have about the chair to the feelings you get when you sit in the chair. All physical and non-physical “things” are simply varying speeds of energy in varying forms creating the world in which you and I live. By understanding and applying each universal law, you open your mind up to the multiple options for what is actually possible.

For example, if you were to fly a plane, but had no understanding of the laws of gravity and aerodynamics, flying the plane would, in theory, still be possible. You could get behind the controls and hit the gas. However, you would most likely not have a pleasant or safe flight. You certainly wouldn’t experience the joy and ease of flying and the truly amazing experience you could have if you had the proper tools and knowledge to assist in that endeavour.

hopelessnessLaw of Attraction

Closely related to the foundational tool of the Universal Laws is the Law of Attraction. The Law of Attraction applies the theory of all “things” being made of energy and explains how creating and manifesting are based on focusing and attracting. This law states that whatever you place your energy and focus on is what you attract back to you – wanted or unwanted. This means that by learning to focus on what you do want versus what you don’t want, you have access to attracting every desire you articulate. For example, if you desire to have a safe trip home. You must focus your energy on the safe trip as opposed to focusing on not having an accident. When you focus on not having something, you are actually still putting your focus on that thing you don’t want – in this example the accident.

The challenge with this tool is that it requires the use of three other imperative tools in order for it to work with 100% success. Many people have been frustrated with the Law of Attraction not working, thinking it is flawed. However, I found that it is not the law that is flawed, but the application of the law without the other tools. Just like a hammer is an amazing tool for building, but only if it is combined with a nail. Without the nail, the hammer is extremely limited to its full capacity. The same is true for the nail! Learning and knowing the Law of Attraction is imperative to being a master creator of your life.

Overcoming Hopelessness with Self-Awareness

One of the tools required to apply the Law of Attraction is the tool of self-awareness. This is a tool that is often underappreciated and taken for granted. Truly understanding where you are right now in your life, why you are there and, most importantly, how you got it is imperative to know where you want to go, why and how you plan to get there. The tool of truly understanding yourself is not always as easy as it appears. This is why there are multiple tools for getting a closer look at who you really are. These tools include the 4-eVer evolving! Life Assessment, the Gallup Poll’s StrengthFinderTM and delving into your past to discover passions, patterns and themes. Without knowing where you are starting, you cannot know in which direction you need to go to get to your destination. You also may not truly understand your destination. When you know where you are starting, what is pulling you forward and exactly where you want to go, the plan for that journey naturally unfolds before you. You cannot create and manifest without an articulated plan.

Holistic Living

One of the most important tools needed to create your plan is the Nine Environments of Holistic Living. Your life does not only consist of one area from which you create your experiences. There are multiple areas of importance that, at varying times, get more or less focused. By using the Nine Environments of Holistic Living, you can break down your life into manageable segments. When you start articulating your goals and desires in each of the separate areas, you quickly find where there may be conflicting intentions occurring. And this is where so much of the hopelessness and frustration is caused.

Conflicting intentions are two desires that, if realized, actually cancel each other out. If you have conflicting intentions that you are not aware of, you often end up not creating either one, or you get a very watered-down version of one or the other. The worst thing that can happen is that you get the opposite of what you intended for both desires creating havoc and chaos in your life.

holisticNine Environments of Holistic Living

The best tool I have found to work with the Nine Environments of Holistic Living is Neuro-Linguistic Programming – otherwise known as NLP. NLP is an advanced form of communication that not only improves communication between people but also opens up communication with all the parts of your subconscious mind. NLP is a tool that allows you to go beyond your conscious into your subconscious mind, where your behaviours and beliefs are formed. It takes you to the source. And, it is only at the source that anything can be affected and changed for long-term growth and evolution. NLP provides multiple exercises and techniques that allow you to determine exactly what is happening within all the various parts of you. Without an understanding of the largest segment of your mind, reported to make up 88%, you cannot possibly focus on the destination you most want to manifest. Without proper focus, you attract more of what you don’t want and forgo creating and manifesting what you do want.

Deliberate Creation

The last tool I created was to pull everything together. The Process of Deliberate Creation is a daily tool that uses the information uncovered and discovered in creating your plan to assist in applying the proper focus needed on a daily basis. If you are not creating deliberately, it is too easy to fall into default creating. Default creating is not knowing what you desire in each area of your life. It is not knowing what conflicting intentions may be sabotaging your progress and success and producing hopelessness and sadness. Default creating is not using the Universal Laws to assist in reframing what you see and ultimately what you experience.

Deliberate creation is about combining all of these tools and giving yourself the gift of hope; giving yourself the gift of living the life you came here to live. Deliberate creation is about being a survivor without struggle, sadness and hopelessness. It is about immediately knowing how to shift every situation and challenge to propel you forward. It is about shifting your mindset to see the possibilities instead of the blocks. It is about having the proper tools to create and manifest for building the life of your dreams, painting the masterpiece of your imagination and making music that fills your soul.

Yes, You Can

Creating and manifesting is about becoming aware of the tools, you have done in this article, and learning how to use those tools to begin living your life as a survivor of hopelessness.

I did it and I know, with the combination of these tools, you can too!

Credit

Author Bio
Melissa Jean Quiter is an inspirational life and business strategist with Provocative Communications. She is the author of the 4-phase, life and business-changing program, “Being Spiritual Doesn’t Mean Being Poor! How to remove what blocks you from making money & creating happiness,” based on the Law of Attraction and the three required elements (the universal laws, Neuro-Linguistic Programming and the Nine Environments of Holistic Living) to ensure your success 100% of the time.

To get started, visit www.ProvocativeCommunications.com/takingcontrol.html. Melissa also teaches a simple, yet profound, daily process for deliberately creating your life in her book, “My cat made me a millionaire (and how yours can too!),” available here: www.ProvocativeCommunications.com/cat.html . E-mail: Quiter@Texas.net or call: [512] 341-0556.

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When It Comes To Dating Advice, Why Is It Always Women Who Must Improve?

Posted on September 27, 2022 by Guest Contribution

“When it comes to dating advice, why is it always women who must improve?” Rachel Hogg, Charles Sturt University

“Therapy-speak” advice on relationships and dating is widely available outside of the psychotherapist’s office. Much of this advice places responsibility on women for managing their emotional reactions to problematic dating and relationship experiences.

The advice women are given about dating, relationships, and finding love largely falls into three categories.

Dating Advice

1. How to not attract emotionally unavailable men

Instagram is full of relationship advice that tells women to take responsibility for their “healing”. It advises them on attachment styles, co-dependency, and emotional wounds, as well as how to deal with avoidant and narcissistic partners. Such advice varies in quality from patronising and exploitative, to nuanced and compassionate. Some of this advice is helpful, but much of it is not.

One example that falls in the latter category is the cliché that in order to find love, you must first love yourself. Psychiatrist and trauma expert, Dr Bruce Perry, notes that in reality, you cannot love yourself unless you have been loved, noting, “the capacity to love cannot be built in isolation.”

“Loving yourself” is valued by modern society if it helps you to get ahead. Constant self-improvement is what matters in a performance-focused society that positions people as objects of enhancement and optimisation. Neoliberalism assumes women’s lives are shaped by deliberate choices for which they, as individuals, are responsible. Little attention is paid to the contexts that constrain women’s choices.

Being responsible for self-love and self-healing only furthers the responsibility that women already shoulder for their health, well-being, careers, and relationships.

2. How to get a man to commit

Women are instructed on how to develop “a huge advantage over other women” in the “battle” to “get him to put a ring on it”. For example, dating coach Benjamin Daly tells his 500,000 Instagram followers that his book reveals “the secret to getting any man begging for commitment”.

Not only are women encouraged to strategise their dating moves, they must also self-monitor to avoid emasculating men, with authors encouraging women to observe the rules of traditional femininity and let men “lead”.

The strategies underpinning such advice are, at best, confusing. To quote author, Emily Brooks, “We are told to lean in at work, but wait for him to call”. It’s OK to hustle at work, but don’t overreach in your relationships.

The dating advice outlined in this category pits women against each other, polices women’s femininity, and reinforces a performance-centric framework of thinking about intimate relationships.

3. How to navigate toxic behaviours online

datingOnline dating, while positive in some respects, is a minefield for toxic male behaviour.

This behaviour varies from rejection violence, where women are confronted with violence when turning down a man’s advances, to unsolicited graphic images, to more subtle forms of damaging behaviour. These include but are not limited to love bombing, where men bombard women with attention in order to gain control, and breadcrumbing, where a person leads someone on but remains noncommittal.

These behaviours are not exclusive to male dating app users, but advice on how to handle such behaviour is largely directed at women.

Why Are These Trends A Problem?

Modern dating advice often implies women can and should fix themselves, and their relationships. This creates feelings of shame and is particularly harmful advice for the vulnerable women in our communities.

Telling women to love themselves before they can have a relationship is at best, nonsensical, and at worst, cruel, especially for those who have suffered the mental violence that accompanies sexual assault and domestic violence.

As of 2021, 23% of women in Australia, a total of 2.2 million women, had experienced sexual assault, with women eight times more likely than men to experience sexual assault by an intimate partner. In 2020, Australia recorded its most dangerous year for domestic violence.

One in six Australian women have experienced sexual or physical violence at the hands of a former or current partner, while one in four women have experienced emotional abuse; over a quarter of the women in Australia.

Lowered self-esteem and a diminished sense of self-worth are just some of the psychological effects of sexual, physical, and emotional violence that may make “self-love” difficult.

Women Need Safety More Than Dating Advice

Teaching women how to react effectively to emotionally dysfunctional behaviour may help women to cope, but it doesn’t address the fundamental issue of intimate interpersonal relationships: safety.

Rather than upskilling women to deal with the harm they risk in dating men, the self-help industry should focus on male behaviour – not the reactions of women to this behaviour. Women need safety more than they need advice.

We Need To Redirect The Focus To Male Behaviour

datingThe most important dating advice the self-help industry can offer is for a male audience: do not harm the women around you.

Mateship is revered in Australia, yet male friendships are often devoid of vulnerability, openness, intimacy, and self-disclosure. This likely has to do with toxic expectations around masculinity that may manifest in emotional suppression and masking of distress, misogyny and homophobia. Research has found male attitudes toward masculinity, feminism, and homophobia are predictive of date-rape-supportive attitudes and self-reported histories of sexual coercion.

Rather than teaching women how to respond to dangerous dating behaviours, the self-help industry should examine what men are taught about dating and relationships. The self-help industry could play an important role in educating online dating app users about how to avoid perpetrating harassment, discrimination, and sexual violence.

“Teaching” women how to deal with the men they’re dating is not the solution to the problems of modern dating and relationships.

Credits

Rachel Hogg, Lecturer in Psychology, Charles Sturt University

This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

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Sports Illustrated Swimsuit: Is Inclusive Objectification Something To Celebrate?

Posted on September 26, 2022 by Guest Contribution

“Sports Illustrated Swimsuit: Is inclusive objectification something to celebrate?” by Tracy Isaacs, Western University

The last two weeks of May generated a flurry of celebratory media commentary about the diversity of models in the 2022 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. It was praised for “breaking barriers,” “empowering women” and “trailblazing.”

This year’s firsts included: Ashley Callingbull (the first Indigenous model), Yumi Nu (the first Asian American curve model to appear on the cover), Maye Musk (the first woman in her 70s), Kelly Hughes (the first swimsuit model to show her C-section scars) and Katrina Scott (the first visibly pregnant model).

In recent years the magazine has highlighted more diversity, including Halima Aden in a burkini, more athletes, trans models like Leyna Bloom and Valentina Sampaio and more curve models like Hunter McGrady.

But most of the models are still stereotypically young, thin and white.

With the celebration of firsts, an important question falls by the wayside: Is including a broader range of women in the pages of a magazine issue whose sole commercial purpose is to present them as sexual objects for a mostly straight male readership a good thing?

‘Properly Feminine’ Swimsuit

swimsuitI am a feminist philosopher who works on responsibility in oppressive social contexts and co-founder of the blog Fit Is a Feminist Issue. In society, where sexist structures and attitudes abound, women’s value — and by extension, range of opportunities — is frequently determined by their attractiveness and sexual desirability to straight men. So I question whether expanding the field of women who are sufficiently sexy and, to borrow the words of philosopher Sandra Bartky, “properly feminine” to “merit” inclusion in the swimsuit issue, constitutes overall meaningful progress for women.

Granted, there is something to be said for challenging the stereotypical esthetic ideals of normative femininity with diverse models. And even though model Kate Upton expressed discomfort about the public scrutiny and discussion of her body, others, including Yumi Nu, describe appearing in the swimsuit issue as a validating experience.

Yet the swimsuit issue continues to promote sexual attractiveness as women’s main currency. As women fight to be taken seriously, repeating this message is harmful.

Sex Does Sell

When I wrote a blog post about this, readers on the blog’s Facebook page mostly agreed with me in comments writing: “yay, now us fat girls can be objectified too” and “even in ‘inclusivity’ the goal of the swimsuit issues is still policing feminine bodies.”

But some said “sex sells: get over it” and “where’s the harm?” Others argued my view throws a wet blanket over a beach party where finally (finally!) women of diverse shapes and sizes are not just welcome but considered sexy and beautiful.

Sex does sell and it’s too bad that the sexualization of women is a multi-billion dollar industry in which the swimsuit issue trades.

The swimsuit issue is a setback for women and models are engaging in what philosopher Shay Welch, in her book Existential Eroticism, calls “oppression-perpetuating choices.” She defines “existential eroticism” as women’s oppression through beauty and sexuality.

Basically, some women’s choices contribute to conditions of oppression for women as a group even if we can understand why women make them.

misogynyThe Swimsuit Issue

While we would be better off without the swimsuit issue (we’d be better off without lots of things), I’m not suggesting it be censored or banned. Nor is this an objection to the display of bodies, even skimpily clad bodies. But is there a different way of going about it?

Look to ESPN’s The Body Issue, which depicts a diversity of athletes (not only women and not only non-disabled), nude and often in action shots that display their athleticism within their chosen sport.

It presents a completely different aesthetic of physicality, based on athleticism. Athleticism isn’t the only dimension along which to appreciate bodies, but it’s not clear how the swimsuit issue, the very essence of which is to represent a particular type of sexualized body, could morph into something that celebrates the body in a different way.

Swimsuit issue editor-in-chief MJ Day says, “We encourage readers to see these models as we see them — multifaceted, multitalented and sexy while they’re at it.” As multi-dimensional as these women may be, their suitability for the swimsuit issue ultimately depends on being sexy.

We should be wary of uncritically accepting the sexual objectification of women for the sake of inclusion and diversity. When we do, we’re celebrating the swimsuit issue as something empowering for women and praising it for “breaking barriers.” Given its context and target audience — straight, cisgender men — doing so perpetuates the pernicious idea that women (all women) need to be sexy for men to be acceptable.

We can promote inclusion and celebrate the beauty of diverse bodies without piggybacking on that relentless message about what makes women worthy.
The Conversation

Credits

Tracy Isaacs, Professor (Philosophy), Western University

This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

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When Russia And Ukraine Eventually Restart Peace Talks, Involving Women Could Be A Key Factor

Posted on September 21, 2022 by Guest Contribution

“When Russia and Ukraine eventually restart peace talks, involving women – or not – could be a key factor in an agreement actually sticking.” by Briana Mawby, University of San Diego

Ukraine and Russia launched peace talks just days after Russia invaded in early February 2022 – but since then, peace negotiations have started and stopped multiple times.

Now, more than six months after the invasion, peace between the two countries seems far off.

Gannady Gatilov, Russia’s ambassador to the United Nations in Geneva, said on Aug. 22, 2022, that he does not see any imminent possibility for a diplomatic solution.

Ukrainian women have had a large presence in the war, from joining the military and leading humanitarian work to becoming breadwinners and taking on new jobs. While it is unclear how or when peace negotiations may resume, it is easy to spot the conspicuous lack of women around the table during previous rounds of peace talks between Ukraine and Russia.

As a researcher focused on gendered experiences of conflict and crises, I think it is important to understand that including women – if they are from varied backgrounds and can participate in a meaningful way, not in a tokenistic manner – in talks to end war is critical for building more effective, longer-lasting peace agreements.

Why Women’s Participation Matters

peacePeace talks are complicated procedures that, more often than not, do not result in an actual peace agreement. The negotiators at the table are typically members of a political or military elite and are individually selected by leaders of warring parties.

Women’s participation in peace talks has been shown to have a strong impact on the way these conversations proceed – and whether they lead to lasting peace – in several key ways.

A 2016 study on 40 peace processes conducted since the end of the Cold War, for example, found that when women’s groups are able to exercise a strong influence on the negotiation process, there was a much higher chance that an agreement would be reached, compared with when women’s groups had weak or no influence.

When women participate, it’s also more likely that a ceasefire will last, rather than remaining words on paper.

Women also tend to help shape the outcomes of an agreement. In Northern Ireland, Guatemala, Kenya and the Philippines, women envisioned peace beyond just ending immediate fighting. In these cases, they adopted a longer-term view, planning for economic growth in a post-conflict period, for example.

Women have helped lead formal negotiations to end wars in places from Burundi and Colombia to Kenya and Northern Ireland.

But it’s more often that women do not participate in peace talks. Women made up 6% of mediators, 6% of signatories and 13% of negotiators in the major peace processes that took place from 1992 to 2019.

Many obstacles prevent women’s meaningful participation in peace processes, particularly when there is no official policy or agreement to ensure their involvement.

This exclusion is often driven by the idea that women are victims of conflict rather than political leaders, or that men hold most of the power in negotiating war and peace.

Peace Talks: The Case of Ukraine and Russia

Following Russia and Ukraine’s conflict over the eastern part of Ukraine and Crimea, the two countries signed the Minsk I and Minsk II agreements in 2014 and 2015 to end the fighting. But these deals were not successful at maintaining a ceasefire.

Only two Ukrainian women participated in the Minsk agreement process, with one serving as a Ukrainian humanitarian envoy and the other as a negotiations expert for Ukraine. These processes also did not welcome nongovernmental women’s organizations and other local community leaders at the table.

However, Ukrainian women did play a significant role in unofficial work related to peacebuilding in 2014 and 2015. They led conversations between communities in conflict with one another and advocated for policies to help women who had been displaced from their homes or who experienced violence.

Since Russia invaded Ukraine in 2022, women have stepped up their involvement in the war even further, documenting atrocities and potential war crimes, for example. Ukrainian women also make up about 15% of Ukraine’s army.

At the same time, the war is having a disproportionate impact on women and minorities, particularly around the ability to receive health care and get food, but also because of the sexual and gender-based violence, Ukrainian women have endured.

peaceBeyond Participation

Still, what’s most important is how meaningful women’s participation actually is in peace talks, not just whether they are able to sit at the negotiation table.

This issue extends into whether women can influence the discussion and ultimate design of the peace agreement. This kind of democratization of peace negotiations is linked to a greater likelihood of a peace agreement explicitly ensuring rights for women.

Including women from a range of backgrounds, especially women from marginalized communities and people who have different gender identities and sexual orientations, can also help build a final agreement. Some women may work together across demographic or social lines in pursuit of common goals, but others may not.

Formal peace negotiations are not the only method of reducing conflict and building peace – women have long played a role in informal peacebuilding in Ukraine and in other conflicts in various ways.

However, peace talks are important processes that can set the stage for rebuilding stability.

Including women as decision-makers on the full range of issues involved in peace talks – including discussions about peace, security, economic recovery and governance – can help fully realize the benefits of lasting peace.
The Conversation

Credits

Briana Mawby, Program Officer for Women, Peace and Security, University of San Diego

This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

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6 Ways Fathers Can Share Love And Connection With Their Babies

Posted on September 20, 2022 by Guest Contribution

“6 ways fathers can share love and connection with their babies, preschoolers and young children” by Nikki Martyn, University of Guelph-Humber

The early years are the most dynamic time of life, producing more than a million neural connections each second. For parents or caregivers, this time offers a wonderful opportunity to impact children’s lives, allowing children to see and experience relationships and the world as balanced, secure and loving.

Through a loving connection, children learn what it means to be a good person, to be weak and strong, to be vulnerable, to take safe risks, to make mistakes and repair and self-regulate hurt, anger and other powerful feelings.

These are invaluable lessons that can live within your child and provide a solid foundation from which to build a secure, loving self and relationships.

Children’s Growth And Development

Fathers offer children diverse experiences and can positively impact their long-term development and well-being. A survey of approximately 2,200 parents in the United States found that 90 per cent of fathers identified with the statement that parenting was their greatest joy. Interestingly, 76 per cent said it was also their greatest challenge. The survey was conducted by the U.S. non-profit Zero to Three which works to support early connections between caregivers and babies and toddlers.

From birth, children are learning how to physically engage with the world and move their bodies to make things happen. Through attuned physical and emotionally responsive caregiving, they experience a secure base and develop a sense of the world as safe. They feel seen and heard. This allows children, in turn, to grow up to support the development of meaningful, loving and trusted relationships. For a child, this depends on experiencing a caregiver’s vulnerable loving self, who shows up and is emotionally present with them.

As toddlers and younger children begin to explore the world more independently, they enjoy engaging in rough and tumble play and learn boundaries, how to follow rules and social-emotional skills.

Research has found that fathers involved with their children’s lives tend to ask children more questions, significantly increasing the child’s communication skills and language development.

connectionFathers often push their children to get through difficult feelings when they want to quit, and in so doing, help them build resilience. They support thinking and problem-solving, often modelling and explaining the reasoning or decisions for completing a task. This supports the development of critical thinking and executive function skills.

Whether you are a father, parent or caregiver or are contemplating becoming one, here are some ways to share love and connection with your young child.

Tips For Sharing Love and Connection

1. Listen: Children are learning intensively from birth to age three in ways parents may not imagine. Create space and time to watch, wait, wonder and listen to how your child perceives the world. Allow yourself to feel and explore the magic of the world through your child’s eyes. This will provide your child with the experience of feeling seen and heard, to know they are important and worthy of love. This will help you form a trusted and secure connection with them.

2. Share: Create trust by sharing yourself: who you are, what you love, your history and your childhood. Children seek connection from birth, well before they can talk. Communicate and talk with your baby and young child, and they will learn about the world. As humans, sharing our feelings and experiences, and taking the risk of being vulnerable, is important to building meaningful, loving connections. There is strength and beauty in the vulnerable gift of yourself.

3. Play: From infancy, children learn through play. It is how they understand, process and makes meaning of the world. Play is fun and engaging and it allows for attuned, loving and responsive connection. Engage and play with your child in developmentally appropriate ways.

Consider something that interests your child, and also share what you enjoy with them. Sharing play can help build a loving, trusting relationship that will last a lifetime.

4. Storytime: Reading and sharing stories (real or imagined) is a wonderful way to connect and share a loving snuggle time. This is important for children to create a love of reading and develop listening, critical thinking and literacy skills and experience a calm relaxing time together, feeling secure and connected. You might also discover brilliant magical moments when your child shares their world with you.

connectionMore Connection Tips

5. Adventure and explore: When children are preschoolers and older, imagining a world and building a fort is exciting. This kind of open-ended play using simple objects from around the home develops spatial reasoning and problem-solving skills. Pitching a tent or gazing at the moon allows children to see, hear and experience the world from a new perspective.

Going on a nature hunt to discover the many facets of the outdoors allows children to understand the world and allows you to share your interests and knowledge with them. For example, finding a snail can be one of the most brilliant events: You could explore how they live and move, observing the snail’s shell. You might discuss fascinating insights about shapes or patterns in nature. Share in the awe and wonder.

6. Model love: Be intentional about how you live your life, what you show your child and how you treat the people you and your child love. Remember, they are watching and learning from you all the time. Be the best dad or caregiver you can be.

Love gets under your child’s skin and lives within them forever. It fills their hearts and teaches them they are always enough — and allows them to confidently sparkle and shoot for the stars. The ripple effect of love is incredible. For the next Father’s Day, create a ripple with your child and see what beauty and wonder evolve.
The Conversation

Credits

Nikki Martyn, Program Head of Early Childhood Studies, University of Guelph-Humber

This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

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Mirror Of Self Reflection

Posted on September 19, 2022 by Guest Contribution

“Mirror of Self Reflection” by Robin J

Age creeps up on us all slowly stripping away our youth; then one day we look into the mirror and the body does not seem to match the sparkle in the eyes anymore. Then we begin to look over our shoulder at our past and think I wonder what would have happened or what if I had taken this path?

The concept of there only being one life and a limited amount of time to live is to most people like someone saying there is no Santa Claus. We simply want to believe in forever just like we wanted to believe in happily ever after as children.

You may think I am advocating quitting your job and going trekking in Africa but no that is not where this is going. Living is an art in itself it is not about time management or fitting as much in as I can. It is about passion, depth, vision, love and much more.

One More Look In The Mirror

I wish I could remember the taste of a meal long after I have eaten it, I wish I could see my partner’s face long after they have left.

I wish I could feel my friend’s hug as she embraced me long after she had let go. I wish I could picture the one time my Mother said I love you long after she is gone. I wish I was so in tune with life, so aware, so enlightened that every moment was my greatest and I could feel it, taste it, and truly live it.

mirrorI do not want to wait until someone tells me there are no more moments left. No, I do not want to feel cheated because a Higher Power took my moments away. I want to be grateful a Higher Power gave me a moment, to begin with.

As youth slips away and it will slowly I want to be able to look in the mirror and see the happiness of a life lived with depth and passion etched in my face. I want to be able to feel the touch of my lover’s hand as it brushed away my tears not just remember it.

But unless I am truly aware truly in the moment at the time allowing myself to feel, letting go of expectations, letting go of the need to hold something back, unless that happens all I will have is a vague memory. I want more I want an imprint so strong I can carry it with me and feel it when the moments are at an end.

Self-Reflection

My wish for you is that you may look in the mirror of self-reflection long before your youth has disappeared. I hope you will realize life doesn’t need to be filled up with things rather it needs to be soaked up for all it has to offer right now at this very moment. My wish for you is that you may experience even for a second a state of total being when everything falls away and time stands still and you can taste the air you breathe, feel the earth pulsate beneath your feet and hear the whisper of the Angels.

Credits

Author Bio
Australian Psychic/Artist/Writer living in Canada. I do reading by donation at my site angelpsychicblessings.com.

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What To Expect From The Reign Of King Charles III

Posted on September 14, 2022 by Guest Contribution

“What to expect from the reign of King Charles III” by Stephen Clear, Bangor University

The sad news of the passing of Queen Elizabeth II marks the beginning of the reign of King Charles III. The transition period has already seen questions raised about whether we can expect the new king to be “interventionist”.

These concerns are based on several incidents over the years. As Prince of Wales, Charles was outspoken on political issues and was found to have been lobbying ministers on issues of his own personal interest. More recently, concerns were raised about a cash donation the former prime minister of Qatar made to the Prince’s charities.

However, the reality of the new king’s reign is set to be very different and a lot less controversial. Here’s why:

The Role of a Constitutional Monarchy

While King Charles III is now head of state, that state remains a constitutional monarchy. That means the ability to make and pass legislation resides with the elected parliament alone. Since the reign of King John and the 1215 signing of the Magna Carta, the UK has had a system of monarchy limited by law. The monarch does have to give “royal assent” to a bill before it can become law but these days that is considered a formality, and a custom, rather than a process involving any real input from the monarch.

For the system to survive, the king must be an uncontroversial figure and remain politically neutral. History tells us what happens when a monarch tries to wield too much arbitrary power. For example, the tension between the Crown and its subjects was seen when King Charles I entered Parliament in 1642 to arrest parliamentarians for treason. Revolution followed and, for a short period, the UK became a republic.

The Crown was restored in 1660 by King Charles II. But the Bill of Rights passed in 1689, coupled with the 1611 Case of Proclamation that states a king cannot make law without the consent of Parliament, forces the Crown to accept the will of the democratically elected parliament of the day.

kingThe New King

Practically speaking, the new king is acutely aware of the change that he must now make. Constitutional conventions that did not apply to him when he was a prince must now guide his every action as king. When it comes to political meddling the King has made it clear that he knows his approach must now be different. During his 70th birthday interview in 2018 he said:

I’m not that stupid. I do realise that it is a separate exercise being sovereign. So, of course I understand entirely how that should operate. The idea somehow that I’m going to go on exactly the same way, if I have to succeed, is complete nonsense. Because the two situations are completely different.

For the monarchy to survive, it must continue to respect the constitutional rules. It is the start of a new era, but one that will largely follow the “rulebook” that governed Queen Elizabeth II’s reign.

The King: What Might Change?

The King is understood to want a slimmed-down official royal family and there is anticipation that role changes are imminent to fit in with 21st-century expectations about how much the public should have to pay to maintain the royals.

In relation to the Commonwealth realms, we might expect Charles to be more conscious of societal changes. As Prince of Wales he commented at the Commonwealth’s Heads of Government meeting in Kagali how the legacy of slavery needed to be confronted, stating:

I cannot describe the depths of my personal sorrow at the suffering of so many, as I continue to deepen my own understanding of slavery’s enduring impact.

Similarly, Prince William acknowledged, on a visit to Jamaica that the “appalling atrocity of slavery stains our history”. During the visit, he similarly acknowledged individual Commonwealth states’ right to independently choose their own path, separate from associations with the royal family if they should so decide. That will be remembered now as the passing of the Queen is likely to reignite the debate surrounding whether some jurisdictions want to continue their association with the royal family.

Charles’ first speech as king.

While further state departures from the Commonwealth are an inevitability, these manoeuvres signal that we might see more attempts to try and modernise, reflect a generation change and make the monarchy appear more progressive and in touch – ultimately for its longer-term relevance and survival.

The Challenges Ahead

The most daunting challenge the new king will face will be maintaining continuity. Many British and Commonwealth citizens have never known a world without Queen Elizabeth II.

For many, she was the thread that kept the UK union together. Such was her popularity that even the Scottish National Party recognised that the Queen would have to continue to be the head of state for a hypothetical independent Scotland. The King now faces the task of continuing to be that uniting force.

Throughout her 70-year reign, the UK has become accustomed to HM Queen Elizabeth II being the one who speaks for the country during times of celebration, and in times of loss and grief. The King will have the added challenge of connecting with the national psyche, by being the replacement for the Queen’s constant and reassuring presence at the centre of national life.
The Conversation

Credits

Stephen Clear, Lecturer in Constitutional and Administrative Law, and Public Procurement, Bangor University

This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

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Autumn: A Change Will Do You Good

Posted on September 13, 2022 by Guest Contribution

 

Autumn “A Change Will Do You Good,” by Sharron Myers

As the last rays of summer’s warmth ebb away and the gentle breezes of autumn waft themselves upon us, we recognize once again, that change is inevitable. Nature is constantly changing and yet, so many people have the notion that change is frightening.

People are creatures of habit and some find it difficult to adjust to changes that are certain to come our way. Life is like an old, comfortable pair of shoes. We may realize that we need new ones and we may even find new ones we really like, but, we know that changing will cause us discomfort for a little while until we break them in.

Sometimes we need to realize that life isn’t always easy. What may be better for us is not what we are used to, but it is certainly worth the trouble of breaking in new habits and lifestyle changes.

Change does not have to be painful. Just look to nature and it will give you clues to how change can be effortless. The beautifully coloured autumn leaves do not hang on to the old tree for dear life. No, they yield to the changes with ease and float gently off the tree.

With the coming of autumn, we have been busy in our gardens pulling up the old stuff and getting ready for a time of rest. We know that the ground must rest and next year there will be more wonderful things in our garden to delight us.

Are there things in your life that need to be gently eased out of your life? Maybe there are bad relationships or habits or thoughts that need to be weeded out of your life. Don’t be afraid to do a little gardening in your own life.

Every gardener knows that unless we get to the roots, we really are not getting rid of the problem. It may go away for a while but unless we get to the root, it will sneak back into the garden very quickly.

Although harvest time is here there is no time to stop weeding the garden of our minds. This garden needs constant attention in order for us to flourish and be all that we can be. The only way to keep this garden in top shape is to make sure that no weeds are there trying to strangle any good we are trying to do. The weeds of our mind, of course, are negative thoughts that like to creep in and keep us from achieving that which we are striving for.

autumnWilliam James said, “Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.

How do we change the inner attitudes of our minds? By changing the way we think. We must put fear and negativity behind us. How do you ask? Just as the leaves of autumn gently blow from the tree, don’t try and make a change in your thinking overnight and expect to get instant results. We cannot rip these thoughts out of our minds, as much as we would like to sometimes. No, we need to be gentle with ourselves and let positive thoughts replace the negative.

Yes, it will take some work on your part. You must constantly fill your mind with positive thoughts. Proverbs 27: 3 says, As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. We are what we think. When negative thoughts come into your mind, you must be ready and willing to replace those thoughts with positive ones. Just say to yourself, no, I won’t let that thought take over my mind, I will think positively. Affirmations are good to have readily available so you can replace negative thoughts with positive ones. It won’t be easy, it won’t be hard either, it will just be different, like that new pair of shoes we were talking about earlier.

The autumn leaves fall to make way for new life. We too must go through changes that will bring new growth to our bodies, souls and spirits.

Change is inevitable, so why fight it? Why be afraid of it? Yes, change will require us to do a bit of readjusting but it is always worth it. Don’t be afraid of change, a change will do you good.

Credits

Author Bio
This article is bought to you by Sharron Myers (sharronmyers@googlemail.com)
Sharron Myers has been a teacher of Spiritual Truth for over 30 years. She also is a Certified Aromatherapist and Personal Development Consultant. Be sure to check out her site: www.sharron-myers.com

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